Dear Mr. Needleman:
Okay!

I am growing increasingly resentful of the store clerks who ask me if I’d like to donate $1 to cure cancer, help homeless pets, feed the homeless, cure muscular dystrophy, etc., every time I shop. While they are all good causes, I don’t donate to anything that I don’t have an opportunity to look into myself. Should I just give? Invest the time to ask for more information every time I go to the store? Ask to speak to the manager? Is there a Web site that critiques the charities?

Eva

Dear Eva,

Fuck ‘em, I say. If you’re already giving to charitable causes, why should you feel guilty about saying no? And if you’re not, I doubt a checkout clerk will change your mind, right? If they ask, just say no. Tell them you gave at the office, or that you already support charities of your choice, and that you don’t appreciate being hounded every time you try to spend a little money on something nice for yourself.

Besides, the saying goes “Charity starts at home,” not “Charity starts at the supermarket.”

After the session, I got up and went to the bathroom, only to discover that I had my period! I freaked out, but couldn’t think of a solution other than go back to bed. In the morning, neither of us said anything about it, but there’s no way he could have missed the fact that his junk was bloody. I haven’t talked to him since, and I don’t know whether I should apologize or ignore it or what.

I’m really worried this has destroyed any chance to be friends, but what do I say to make up for the fact that I’m the reason he has earned his Red Wings?

Embarassed Cardinal

Dear Embarrassed,
Haha, gross! You’ve given him a great story to share with his friends. Isn’t that enough? Plus, you know he didn’t get you pregnant, so that’s a plus.

I have an idea that could bring even MORE revenue: charge by the pound. Sure, anorexics and children would get by cheap, but given that the average American is overweight anyway, this could be a gold mine.

Let’s say you have a ticket that currently costs $200. Under this plan, that price would be assessed to a particular “desired” weight – let’s say for example 150 pounds for a man, and 100 pounds for a woman. Do the math ($200 / 150 = $1.333 per pound for a man, and $200 / 100 = $2.00 per pound for a woman) and determine the price based on the passenger’s weight. A 200-pound man would pay $266.67 for the flight, while a woman at the same weight would pay $400.

Dear Eager Beaver:
You claim that you can’t afford to lose your job. Maybe you should have thought about that before you started banging the boss, hmmmm? My suggestion: quit your job, but continue to screw your supervisor. In fact, ask if you can move in with her, since you will be unemployed and will need a place to live. If she really cares about you, she’ll see that this is the compassionate solution.

I have often wondered why women outnumber men in writing for advice. Do you know why? What is the ratio?
— Sophie

Dear Sophie:
Thank you for writing! It’s so nice to know that people enjoy reading my insightful insights!

The reason you see more letters from women than from men is 2-fold. First, advice columnists have a selection bias toward letters from female readers. Second, knowing this fact, many men pretend they are women when they write for advice.

Given that people constantly say maintaining relationships is supposed to be hard, are we just lucky? Extremely compatible? Extremely laid-back? Don’t care enough to argue? Or just have yet to hit any sort of rough patch?

I sort of worry that if we ever are tested, I have no idea how we’d handle it. Obviously I can’t hold off the wedding until something bad happens to see what occurs. So I guess my question is, how uncommon is my situation? Do most people have a lot of issues to work through before getting married? Is it naive to think a good relationship could just be this easy?

– High-class Problem

Dear HCP:
It is unusual for a couple to never fight. Do you never disagree about anything? You might be overlooking just how badly he loads the dishwasher. Think carefully about spending your life having to re-shuffle the contents of the dishwasher every single day.

Maybe he’s using the dishwasher thing to goad you into an argument. Maybe he hates doing it, and hopes you’ll tell him to stop doing it if he can’t do it right.

Maybe he’s just dishwasher-retarded, and beyond that you are ridiculously compatible, and more fortunate than 99.99% of couples. Have you tried arguing about money and kids?

Or maybe, just maybe, the reason you never argue is that he’s an android or an alien. Or both – an alien android, sent to Earth to impregnate you with a hybrid spawn that will grow up to enslave the human race! RUN AWAY!

—Cheating With the Movies

Dear MovieWhore:
Ew. Gross. Just stop it.

The fight was about her (in my opinion) overreaction to something I did, which I didn’t think was that bad. There was name-calling, including accusations of being a liar and a cheater. She was out-of-control angry. The thing that causes me the most PTSD is that she pulled the emergency brake in the car while we were on a highway ramp. No harm done, thank God, but, is that abusive?

WASHINGTON.

Dear Washington: HAHAHA! Let me stop laughing first. HAHAHAHAHA!! PTSD?!? Seriously? Do you even know what that is?

So, you want to dump this girl, but you’re looking for a good excuse. You’ve already decided you don’t want to be with her, but you think you need a “label” to make it easier to dump her. Why do you feel like you need some justification? Are you afraid that she won’t let you break up with her, or that she will, in a fit of rage, punch you? You could do that, I guess. Just provoke her into hitting you, then pull the abuse lever and run.

The teen, whose name has not been released because of her age, was arrested and charged with possession of child pornography and distribution of child pornography.

If convicted, she might be forced to register as a sex offender.

 WTF? This whole trend toward prosecuting teenagers for their poor judgment is really getting on my nerve. It’s ludicrous to group this girl & others like her with actual pedophiles & rapists. Not only does it over-punish these kids, but it dilutes the significance of the label “sex offender” and makes it nearly meaningless. This girl is not a threat to others, and shouldn’t be treated as such. People need to wake up and get a grip on reality before they ruin these kids’ lives